Six Degrees of Detoxification

Kate Moss’s recent coke-fueled misadventures remind us of the truth that lies in the drug-addiction model of fame. All celebrities should be treated as addicts: The more celebrated they are, the more acute their addiction is; the less they actually do to earn their status, the more addictive their behaviour.

So it should be no surprise that the rehab clinic is almost a vacation destination for the high-visibility luminary, or that there are far more drug- and alcohol-recovery clinics in North America than there are Wal-Marts. So, together with some of the big names in rehab, here are a few of the big names who’ve been in rehab.

Clinic The Meadows
Where? Wickenburg, Az.
Alumni Elle MacPherson, Kate Moss
Claim to Fame Recent admission of Kate Moss has set the bar for costly celeb treatment; reported cost to Moss of $4000/day is more than 10 times the price at the Betty Ford


Clinic Promises
Where? Malibu, Ca.
Alumni Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Diana Ross, Winona Rider, Ben Affleck, Matthew Perry, Kelly Osbourne, Robert Downey Jr.
Claim to Fame Very high-end; younger Hollywood clientele; half of Mötley Crüe has passed through its doors


Clinic Impact Treatment Center
Where? Pasadena, Ca.
Alumni James Caan, Heidi Fleiss, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Robert Downey Jr.
Claim to Fame Has reputation for taking on Promises Clinic’s underachievers


Clinic Wavelengths International
Where? Malibu Ca.
Alumni Courtney Love, Robert Downey Jr.
Claim to Fame A mere step along the road for its two most famous patients


Clinic Betty Ford Center
Where? Rancho Mirage, Ca.
Alumni Elizabeth Taylor, Bobby Brown, Stevie Nicks, Mary Tyler Moore, Anna Nicole Smith, Ozzy Osbourne, Lisa Minnelli, Johnny Cash, Kelsey Grammer, many, many others
Claim to Fame Mother of all celebrity detox centers; name provides cachet that you’re serious about treatment; if you’re a star, you’ll likely run into a lot of your friends


Clinic Exodus
Where? Marina del Ray, Ca.
Alumni James Caan, Kurt Cobain, Robert Downey Jr., Courtney Love
Claim to Fame Name ominously appropriate for Robert Downey Jr., who escaped four days into his stint there in July 1996


Clinic Hazelden
Where? Minnesota, plus three other states
Alumni Eric Clapton, Marianne Faithful, Chris Farley, Liza Minnelli, Melanie Griffith, Matthew Perry, Bobby Brown, Nathalie Cole, Calvin Klein
Claim to Fame Has the forthrightness to claim a success rate of only 54%; that is, almost half of their patients are re-toxed within a year.


Clinic Las Encinas Hospital
Where? Pasadena, Ca.
Alumni Kelly Osbourne, Jack Osbourne
Claim to Fame See Alumni, above


Clinic Silver Hill Hospital
Where? New Canaan, Ct.
Alumni Liza Minnelli, Nick Nolte, Mariah Carey, Greg Allman, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Diana Ross
Claim to Fame Musician’s addiction center of choice, although perhaps the only detox center in America not visited by Mötley Crüe’s Vince Neil


Clinic “Unknown Detox Facility”
Where? Pick your state or country
Alumni Vince Neil, Drew Barrymore, David Bowie, Courtney Love, Demi Moore, Michael Douglas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kate Moss, Betty Ford, Eminem, Domino Harvey, many, many others
Claim to Fame Hey, it might have been one of us

-Published in The Weekly Scoop, November 2005