The Tom Cruise Movie Prediction Engine

Chris Rock put his finger on something at last spring’s Oscars: “You want a successful movie?” he asked. “Get yourself some stars.” But he’s only half right—star power means more to movie producers than movie fans these days: A star guarantees that a film will find an audience, but not that the audience will find a good film.
Take the biggest star of ‘em all—Tom Cruise. His work’s been up and down more than Jenna Jameson on a stripper’s pole. But be of good cheer: the following little survey will help you predict whether Tom’s next movie will be an act of genius, or a gobbler. Add up the numbers and see!

• Does this movie co-star Cruise’s current spouse/girlfriend? [-1]
• Does he get physically or emotionally abused? [+2]
• Does he deliver more than 1/4 of his dialog in a foreign language? [+1]
• Does he put on a foreign accent while speaking English? [-1]
• Is he cast against any obviously superior actors? [-2]
• Was his part offered to anyone else first? [+1]
• Can this movie be interpreted as having Scientological themes? [-1]
• Does he play a merely supporting role? [+1]
• Is it a supporting role in the Friends movie? [-1]
• Is the director more respected or influential than he is? [+1]
• Does he wear that silly grin of his on the poster? [-1]
• Does he play the bad guy? [+1]
• Did he produce the movie? [-2]
• Is he 21 years old or younger? [Trick question]
• Has the director slagged him as being impossible to work with? [-1]
• Has the director praised him for being a treat to work with? [-1]
• Does he take his shirt off? [-1]
• Does he have sex with a woman? [+1]
• Does he have sex with a man? [+2]
• Does he have sex with Jake Gyllenhall while Katie Holmes watches? [+4]
• Is this movie directed by any of the following: Rob Reiner, Ron Howard, Cameron Crowe, Kevin Smith, Tony Scott? [-1]
• Is this movie directed by any of the following: Paul Verhoeven, Lars Von Trier, Ingmar Bergman, Roman Polansky, David Cronenberg? [+1]

Scores:
+7 or above Either a great movie or great guilty pleasure; either way you win
+3 — +6 Pleasant surprise; will possibly bring Oscar nomination
0 — +2 Iffy, but possibly watchable depending on director
-1 — -2 Typical, but fans my tolerate; still better than driving home
-3 — -6 Even fans better advised to choose a Mickey Rourke film instead
-7 or below Battlefield Earth territory; wear impermeable garments to screening

-Published in The Weekly Scoop, Oct. 2005